Pain

Living in a small world, your life is very big. The minutia of the day to day consume your thoughts and the world revolves around one, blazing sun that is definitively you.

Then one day you wake up and realize, you are actually not the center of the universe and that a great bit of activity is going on around you - a thought that can bring comfort, as well as isolation.

Because the world is full of pain. Pain is bad and we hide from it as long as we can. Until the inevitable - "something really bad" - happens.

Sure, "something really bad" can happen when you are in your small world. But there is "bad" blown up for dramatic effect in absence of anything else interesting happening; and then there is bad.


Bad is something that can not be adequately described or spoken. It is the greatest pain - the absence of hope, the hollowness, the regret, the rage, the helplessness.

Bad is seeing a baby brought into the world under the worst of circumstance, with the odds already against her. Bad is watching that baby grow and fight against the odds, only to be stifled by obstacle after heart-wrenching obstacle. Bad is learning someone has stolen the innocence from that baby, who has already been through more than most people in their lives.

This is the best the world has to offer?

Something has to be done.

The Beatings Will Continue. Period.

Winter, the economy, and job dissatisfaction are really taking their toll on my friends and me. We are all struggling to maintain our sanity in this really unfriendly reality. I have four friends (that I know of, maybe more), who, like myself, will be facing a week of unpaid furlough; another friend was laid off completely, as were two of my bosses; and one other friend who is leaving the journalism field altogether and going back school. Sometimes I wish I could do the same, but right now I am just not sure how that would work or what I could do differently to bring more meaning into my life and (hopefully) more job satisfaction.
The winter is making me really depressed, and I have been trying to channel it into something positive – singing and learning guitar.

Amy Lee of Evanesence and Tori Amos are my vocal “role models.” I realize I need to concentrate more on the fundamentals, the building blocks of vocals, because Amy & Tori have a much greater ability to control their voices on command than I do. Sometimes I can do something that sounds pretty good but I am not sure how it was accomplished. Other times I try to do something good and it ends up sounding like a boy going through puberty. Not good!

I know practice will make perfect – or at least “improved.” But fundamentals are so boring and vocal exercises just make me feel cheesy. “La la la la la la la la laaaaa.” At the same time I know it makes sense to do and you can’t just “whip it out” without some kind of warming up.

I don’t like to do something without any defined purpose – largely this is because this is something I really want to do, but I am going to have a goal too. I would like to get to a point where I feel confident enough in my “skills” that I could do an open mic night or at least feel comfortable enough to join a choir, or audition to be in the chorus for some musical, or something. Because I really like singing and music and it makes me happy so….

Right now my favorite song to sing is “Lithium” (Evanesence) – go figure.

I know my mood will improve when spring arrives, or the economy improves – whichever happens first. The Groundhog said it will probably be a while before either.