decisions, decisions

Last August I made some life-altering decisions.

I confronted fears, I said goodbye and I cried.

Decisions are hard to make - and always involve taking a chance - even when it is not obvious.

I knew I was taking a chance. After I took that chance, there was a period of adjustment, things were better than I expected; and then worse than anticipated.

Now, I am living with the decisions that I made and the good and the bad that go with them.

This is life.

I am not sure whether it's more simple than we want to admit, or really complicated.

In any case, a lot has changed in my life in eight months: My job, my home, my outlook.

My goals are more clearly defined, my dreams better articulated and my vision of myself a little less murky.

I am coming to terms with being a grown-up and a human being and that scary thing called "making a decision."

Although sometimes we may struggle with decisions - and even postpone making them - in reality we are lucky that we have the opportunity.

Pain

Living in a small world, your life is very big. The minutia of the day to day consume your thoughts and the world revolves around one, blazing sun that is definitively you.

Then one day you wake up and realize, you are actually not the center of the universe and that a great bit of activity is going on around you - a thought that can bring comfort, as well as isolation.

Because the world is full of pain. Pain is bad and we hide from it as long as we can. Until the inevitable - "something really bad" - happens.

Sure, "something really bad" can happen when you are in your small world. But there is "bad" blown up for dramatic effect in absence of anything else interesting happening; and then there is bad.


Bad is something that can not be adequately described or spoken. It is the greatest pain - the absence of hope, the hollowness, the regret, the rage, the helplessness.

Bad is seeing a baby brought into the world under the worst of circumstance, with the odds already against her. Bad is watching that baby grow and fight against the odds, only to be stifled by obstacle after heart-wrenching obstacle. Bad is learning someone has stolen the innocence from that baby, who has already been through more than most people in their lives.

This is the best the world has to offer?

Something has to be done.

The Beatings Will Continue. Period.

Winter, the economy, and job dissatisfaction are really taking their toll on my friends and me. We are all struggling to maintain our sanity in this really unfriendly reality. I have four friends (that I know of, maybe more), who, like myself, will be facing a week of unpaid furlough; another friend was laid off completely, as were two of my bosses; and one other friend who is leaving the journalism field altogether and going back school. Sometimes I wish I could do the same, but right now I am just not sure how that would work or what I could do differently to bring more meaning into my life and (hopefully) more job satisfaction.
The winter is making me really depressed, and I have been trying to channel it into something positive – singing and learning guitar.

Amy Lee of Evanesence and Tori Amos are my vocal “role models.” I realize I need to concentrate more on the fundamentals, the building blocks of vocals, because Amy & Tori have a much greater ability to control their voices on command than I do. Sometimes I can do something that sounds pretty good but I am not sure how it was accomplished. Other times I try to do something good and it ends up sounding like a boy going through puberty. Not good!

I know practice will make perfect – or at least “improved.” But fundamentals are so boring and vocal exercises just make me feel cheesy. “La la la la la la la la laaaaa.” At the same time I know it makes sense to do and you can’t just “whip it out” without some kind of warming up.

I don’t like to do something without any defined purpose – largely this is because this is something I really want to do, but I am going to have a goal too. I would like to get to a point where I feel confident enough in my “skills” that I could do an open mic night or at least feel comfortable enough to join a choir, or audition to be in the chorus for some musical, or something. Because I really like singing and music and it makes me happy so….

Right now my favorite song to sing is “Lithium” (Evanesence) – go figure.

I know my mood will improve when spring arrives, or the economy improves – whichever happens first. The Groundhog said it will probably be a while before either.

We Found a Dress (and no one died)

Little Sis, Big Sis and the one they call The Blessid Mother embarked on a journey Saturday, Jan. 17, to find a wedding dress for Little Sis. In three or so short and (relatively) painless hours the search was over, *the* dress was purchased, and no one died.

When all is said and done, my mom, my sister and I love and respect each other, but our similarities often make it hard for us to peacefully co-exist for extended periods of time and in confined spaces.

We are all very independent, strong-willed and sometimes stubborn creatures. While we can be cool-headed in other circumstances, for some reason, in one another’s company emotions can escalate and circumstances deteriorate at a break-neck speed.

We were all keenly aware of these facts when we piled into Mom’s Sonata and headed to David’s Bridal.

Amazingly, we (“we” being Little Sis) found a dress in less than three hours with only a few bumpy patches. All possibilities were considered, including walking barefoot down the aisle and hemming to the hilt.

In the end, Little Sis will do neither – but she did find a winning dress.

Progress is Slow & Painful

I've accomplished a lot of things this weekend - nothing all that important or interesting, but necessary.

I did some organizing and some pre-emptive "spring cleaning." The winter is a good time to sift through the crap and figure out what I really need and what needs to go. Lightening my personal load is important because if I decide in a moment's notice that I want to get the heck outta here, I don't want to be burdened with a lot of crap I don't need.

The only way you know what you need is by going through and assessing the value of each item. I am working through the spare bedroom and trying to pare down my collection of newsclippings, which is probably my biggest burden.

Although I haven't made a formal list of new year's resolutions, I have at the forefront of my brain a list of goals and every day I am taking steps closer to accomplishing them. Key words sum them up - cooking, health, fitness, music, persistence, patience.

Today I played a chord on the guitar and I was very excited. It was the "G" chord and it actually sounded right. Awesome. I am kind of disgusted by how long it took me to get to the point where I could play it and for a short time was convinced my fingers must just be too fat, or finger nails too long. Now I have no nails and I played one chord. I am thinking about taking lessons to speed the process a bit. But I guess I am not really in a HURRY. Besides, I need to save my money for "college."

If everything pans out right, next fall I am going to start taking some Digital Media classes at Northeast Wisconsin Technical College. I have a meeting in Green Bay this week with an advisor to talk about their flexible adult programs and payment options. The reality is the journalism industry is a scary place to be and a girl has got to have a backup plan. In another two months my company is doing more layoffs and while I think they are only interested in frying the big fish - you just never know.

Besides that, I really am not crazy about living here. I mean, my house is nice enough, and certainly cheap enough, but I am convinced this area is no place to live if you are a single person. I hate knowing everything has gone to bed by 9 p.m. and the nearest "big" city is a 45 minute drive. Big cities are nice (and this "big city" is small by other people's standards) because there is more stuff to do and more people to meet (under the age of 40).

THis is a nice place to visit, but not a nice place to live if you are me.

Things to look forward too: My sister is coming home from Mexico next weekend for a visit and we are going to paint the town. That will be nice. It's been a long time since I've gone out and danced the night away. Then Sunday we are looking for *the* dress. Her wedding dress, that is. And potentially my bridesmaid's dress. That should be fun.... Ok... probably not. I will try to think positive about this... but the whole thing kind of makes me feel ill.... I am not sure why. I mean, I am happy for her but...still makes me ill....maybe because I have to wear lavendar? Maybe because I have to fly on a plane for her nuptuals? Maybe because she might never move back to the states? Maybe because it makes me revisit my doomed engagement 3 or so years ago? There are lots of reasons why this could potentially make me feel ill and want to drown myself in delicious margaritas and/or apple puckers and journey to the happy land of inhibition. Unfortunately the land of tremendous heartburn often follows quickly behind.

I have decided to get a tattoo. It is just a matter of where and when. I know that this will really make my mom happy. Whenever I have mentioned the "t" word in the past, she has given me a look like I suggested we go drown some puppies: profound horror. It will be a tasteful little piece and I have asked an old friend of mine to draw it for me. He is a pretty good artist and he would take the task seriously. I don't know when this will happen. It will be a great surprise to everyone. Mwah ha ha. Trish, you better support me in this - you have two of them and I don't think you regret them.

So I "cooked" today. I made this tasty strawberry, walnut salad with poppyseed dressing, lettuce and spinach leaves. Yummy yummy. How do you like me now? I am going to try to do more "cooking" this year, as it could potentially be cheaper and healthier than eating other crap... Keep in mind, if I cook one meal once a month, I will be doing more than I have ever done before in my life. That reminds me, I have some eggs I need to hard boil for lunch tomorrow. Go me.

I am also going to try to do a better job of being organized and keeping my house clean - because that is what you are supposed to do. But at the end of the day, living life is still more important to me than shiny countertops and I vow to abandon cleaning when life strikes!

Life is too short

Life is OK. It could definitely be worse; I have a job, a steady paycheck, bills I can pay (for the most part), my health (for the most part) and great family and friends.

So is it bad to want *more* or dream about *bigger and better* things when I am lucky to just be where I am?

I am not sure.

On one hand, I feel like I should keep my eyes to the ground and my fingers crossed, ever pressing on in the direction I am headed ... On the other hand, I want to dream and strive for something better and take steps to reach another goal.

It's a tricky business...

Day 2

It's Day 2 of the New Year and things are still going well! I am a little bit sleepy at the moment, but aside from that 2009 is treating me kindly. I am thankful for all of the special people in my life and that my UTI appears to be going away. I hate UTIs. This weekend I plan to do some SERIOUS reorganizing of my house... and some cleaning too. I wish it wasn't so cold in the upper level of my house. Then I might actually spend time up there besides sleeping. Even that isn't too pleasant: I dive beneath the chilly covers and rub my limbs together to generate heat. If that doesn't work, I roll into a ball.

I resolve... to read

One of my New Year's resolutions this year is to read more. I am happy to say that I have no shortage of material. Trish provided me with three books and I have two at home that I am also planning to read and maybe engage in a blog dialoge with Trish about some of them. They are...

"Women Who Think Too Much: How to Break Free of Overthinking and Reclaim Your Life" by Susan Nolen-Hoeksema

"The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz

"You're Broke Because You Want to Be: How to Stop Getting By and Start Getting Ahead" by Larry Winget

"Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim: Essays" by David Sedaris

"A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle

Let the reading begin!

Happy New Year!

Somewhere in Northern Wisconsin, a group of people have gathered to celebrate the New Year in a special way: by plunging into the icy waters of Lake Michigan. They call themselves "polar bears;" I call them insane!

I celebrated the New Year, too.

I went shopping.

I have the distinction of being the first sale of 2009 at New York & Co. in Southridge Mall. The shopping experience was unlike any other I have ever had - simply put - bliss.

There were no crowds, the sales associates were friendly without being overbearing and almost everything was on sale. (It was the "big BIG sale.")

Adding to my pleasure was the fact that the size I previously wore was now too big! I had to buy a smaller size.

Bliss.

I left the store with three pairs of pants, four underwear, and a sweater - all for the low low price of $72. $72 that was paid for with $75 worth of gift cards.

I hate to be redundant, but...

Bliss.

So I started the New Year blissfully happy and it is my resolution to remain so for as long as humanly possible.

Old guitar & New Year's Resolutions

Look out world, I got a guitar. I am not talking about a plastic guitar that plugs into a Play Station - although that would qualify as cool, too; I am talking about a real musical instrument! And I am determined to learn how to play.

The piano will probably always be my favorite instrument that-I-never-formally-learned-how to play – and one I would still like to learn. But it's just not practical given the size and expense of a piano. A guitar - on the other hand - I can bring into the house without a moving van and roid-raging dudes. And because it is in my house, I can practice any time I want!

I stole the guitar from my Dad. He used to play. When he was younger, in a band; and when he was older, in the basement of our house (I think to unwind.) When we were growing up he would play and sing songs by America and I would dance around in front of a blinking disco-style light. They were good times. My favorite song to dance to was the one that had the words: "Oz never did give nothing to the Tin Man." Probably because it was a Wizard of Oz reference so I understood it. I still don't know the name of that song...

Anyway, I asked Dad if I could steal his guitar. He couldn't really say no, because he hasn't played it in years (I think?) but he looked a bit hesitant. Perhaps he was contemplating how much he would want to play the guitar when he no longer had access to it anymore... that seems to be the way men operate...

He authorized the transaction and into the back seat of my car went the old guitar. I don't know anything about guitars so this should be interesting. I plan to find somewhere in town where I can get it tuned and perhaps get some advice on maintenance, then I will head to the bookstore and get a "For Dummies" book on playing guitar. I know Sheryl Crow taught herself how to play and she probably didn't have the "Dummies" book to guide her, so I am optimistic.

I don't expect to be Sheryl Crow caliber in 6 months, but I would like to be able to play SOMETHING. I think that is an attainable goal. This is part of a larger New Year's Resolution: this is the year I kick the stage fright. I am done with you, stage fright. I expect this will be REALLY hard... but I am going to do my best. I have to if I am going to make a toast at my baby sister's wedding...

Crazy at Christmas

Merry Christmas, Blog Friend(s) (i.e. Trish)

The weather was a bit scary and the roads very harrowing, but I made it home for Christmas! What a relief. The past two days are going by in a blur. It's a little hard to let your guard down and just go crazy with Christmas enjoyment when you know you have to work the day after Christmas. This is the first year I've had to do that. (I am so spoiled.)

This was a weird Christmas, because Little Sister is a million miles away (or it feels like it) in Mexico. Christmas morning was not the same, although still enjoyable and I am happy that she is happy. Christmas Eve was also weird, because my cousin is in Indiana. First Christmas without her, too. Boo.

Grandma must not have gotten the memo that there would be so few people for dinner because she cooked up quite a feast. Wow. It was SOME spread, let me tell ya. Ribs, chicken, seafood salad, calico beans and fruit salad (super yummy). We also had "pigs in a blanket" for appetizers - my favorite.

Today my mom's family is headed over here to continue the celebration. We don't exchange gifts on this side of the family anymore, which I think is pretty progressive. I still usually end up with $20 bills stuffed into my pockets, though. You won't hear me complaining about that.

It will be nice to see everyone, even though it sounds like Grandma & Grandpa are both sick with head colds and coughs.

I am psyched to do some shopping this weekend, with my Christmas windfall - gift cards and $$ galore. I know I should stick some of the money in the bank... We'll see...

So this is love

I recently *met a new musician (new only to me) who I cannot get enough of. His name is Butch Walker. It might be because he kind of reminds me of Ben Folds, who I had a love affair with during high school - so there is the nostalgia factor. I am not sure how you describe Butch Walker - except to say he rocks in every way - at least that is my first impression. He is witty, clever and a great musician. I spent the day listening to him via YouTube videos because apparently I need a more sophistocated flash to use projectplaylist.com.

I am going to kill my computer. It sucks at staying connected to the Internet for more than 45 second intervals. Yeay.

Merry (Almost) Christmas.

More snow is supposed to be coming. I am going to try to head home if I can stand it and there is the possibility that I could come out of the roadtrip into winter hell unscathed.

I HEART Butch Walker. Google him. I really like "Ships in a Bottle" and "The Weight of Her" - both of which I downloaded via itunes.

One man's 'dream' is another man's nightmare

We are going to be having a really White Christmas; as a result I will not be going home for Christmas Eve and I will instead be working all day.

White Christmases also mean shoveling is a part of every day activities.

I hate you snow. You truly truly suck.

I don't know why I live here.

I want to move.

I am now convinced the only way a person could romanticize the snow is by never actually experiencing it. Shoveling snow and driving in it are surely not the stuff of great Christmas songs.

I highly suspect Irving Berlin never lifted a shovel in his life, nor did he ever make the morning commute going 25 mph trying not to end up in a ditch.

So, Mr. Berlin, this year I say "Pishaw" to your "dreaming of a white Christmas." You don't know what you are talking about.

This year, I will be taking a deep breath and wishing everyone a "Mele Kalikimaka."

No weigh!

I got on the scale this morning and I weigh only three pounds more than I weighed (on average) in high school! I am psyched. Over the past month and a half I have lost 11 pounds!

I guess going to the gym and not eating Subway chocolate chip cookies every single day is finally paying off!

I still have about 8 more pounds I want to lose before Becky's wedding... but the good news is I know I can keep off the 11 pounds I lost because I haven't really changed my life that much. Just not eating as many cookies or as much fatty fast food.

I can't believe I lost weight in DECEMBER!!! The hard part will be going home for Christmas and not gorging myself on those tasty Christmas cookies....

Color me bad

I got a hair cut yesterday. My stylist, Calli, is super cool so with the instruction not to take off too much length, I told her to have at it. I think she did a pretty bang-up job, but after she offered me a hand-held mirror so that I might inspect the back, I made an appalling discovery: oh the roots, the roots! My dye job needs dire help! Unfortunately, dye jobs are something I can only budget for every 6-8 months, so root pain is something that I must live with...unless.... Santa baby brings me some loot!

In any case, I *will get my hair colored again eventually. I think I am going to have it done at Regis though, and I am going to ask them to make my hair look like this:



I have long been an admirer of Jennifer Aniston. She has got it all, in my opinion. (Except for big ol' knockers). There are lots of women out there that are worthy of admiration for their physical beauty, of course, Eva Mendes, Beyonce Knowles, Rose McGowan... but I have always really been fond of Jennifer Aniston's hair. Besides, I don't know if I do a very good job of pulling off the darker hair color hues.

Stress - the gift that keeps on giving

I am afraid that holiday stress coupled with the ever-increasing amount of snow is quickly turning me into a version of Scrooge. Funny enough, that was always the Christmas story that gave me the most nightmares: when I was growing up, I used to think the three ghosts were going to come for me.

I blame this on my Catholic upbringing.

What other religious denomination trains children from early on to be so acutely aware of their sins and guilt – before they even really exist? How *else* could an 8 or even 10 year old child draw the conclusion that he or she is some how on the same spiritual level as an elderly man who accrued a lifetime of miserly misdeeds?

Thank you, Sr. Mary Beth and Fr. Ed.

Another side affect of my Catholic education is the long held the belief that I am going to hell.

There were a few short, fleeting years when all of the nuns were talking about how much Jesus loved the little children, and how everyone must be like little children to enter into the Kingdom of God. I fell into the "little children" category at this time, so I felt (at this time and at this time only) my spot in Heaven was safe. I dreaded the day when I would no longer literally be a "child" of God. Then I would have the heavy burden of a life riddled with adult problems and sin; and of course, a one-way ticket to the land of fire and brimstone.

Which brings us to present day and the adult stresses that are keeping me from enjoying the holiday season and those really great gifts that *God* has given me in my life thus far. I don't know why my enjoyment of the good things in my life must always be tainted by the possibility that they might come to an end.

My gift to myself this holiday season is a promise to make the most of the good things that come to me, accept them graciously, and enjoy them without fear, suspicion and doubt. Merry Christmas to me!

Top 10: It wouldn't be Christmas without...

10. Gifts in pretty paper
9. My favorite movie: Scroodged
8. Piles of Christmas cookies
7. Snow
6. Decorations
5. Warm blankets, slippers and sweaters
4. Fire places
3. Music
2. Family and friends
1. Jesus

How I almost burned my eye lids off

I once read in a beauty magazine of one glossy sort or another a tip for curling one's eye lashes. I mentally filed the tip away for a future day, but like most information I mentally file away, I forgot one critical element in the recipe. In this recipe, you are to take your standard, run-o-the-mill eye lash curling device (the metal contraption to the right) and heat the "curler" under a hair dryer for a few seconds. The important ingredient I couldn't remember was how long to hold the metal "curler" beneath the blazing hot air of the dryer. I opted for 30 seconds.

I tried one eye, inadvertantly touched the hot metal curler to the thin skin that covers my eye, screamed, then did the same to the other eye. Not only was the entire experiment a failure, the resulting tears of pain mucked up my eye liner.

Ollie the Camel

Ollie the Camel
Originally uploaded by Ms. Jane

This is what a camel looks like when he is trying to attract a mate. It didn't do anything for me, but apparently the female camels dig it.

Ollie the camel was one of many special and unique creatures I discovered when touring Door County's Washington Island one October day.

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